


Always Yours But Never Truly Mine

by Geri_Lea



Series: We Were Inevitable [3]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, Heartbreak, Soulmate-Identifying Timers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-29
Updated: 2018-06-29
Packaged: 2019-05-30 09:02:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15093533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geri_Lea/pseuds/Geri_Lea
Summary: In a world of soulmate identifying Timers, Ann allows her relationship with Mark to continue long after the fact that she knew they weren't meant to be and despite the fact that he had zeroed out with someone else. They were always on the clock and she's now made to accept that her time for being forced to let Mark go is coming and it's not in either of their hands.





	Always Yours But Never Truly Mine

**Author's Note:**

> In my Timer series, this is mostly set across the 2012-2014 years and follows on immediately from 'Fate is a Cruel Mistress (Part 1) and mostly runs in parallel with 'Detours we Love'. While you don't have read either, you'll definitely appreciate this more if you have at least read 'Fate is a Cruel Mistress (Part 1).

**2012 to 2014**

 

**Always Yours But Never Truly Mine**

 

When my sister and I got Timers, we were both so excited. It was the whole notion of true love, soul mates, finding the one. It was what little girls dream of, it’s what anyone dreamed of now that there was a possibility of surety in life. Such a rare thing, surety, guarantees when life was so incredibly unpredictable.

My wrist stung, the device implanted as I stared at it, willing it to do it’s thing. My sister who had had hers for a few years was hanging over my shoulder staring at it with as much impatience as me. But there’s nothing, only beeping softly with a bunch of dashes. I shake it but nothing. My sister sags behind me disappointed.

“Well Annie, eventually ours will start counting. I just know it.”

“Mmm,” I purse my lips and stare at it. Suddenly it didn’t seem so great and shiny. Was I meant to keep waiting now? Just hope it starts up one day?

 

It was the reason why I have never much cared for my Timer. Yes, the little girl in me wants a happy ending, but it’s not logical and reasonable to hold out. Unlike my sister who was doing just that, she was going to wait, but me… life was calling.

 

When I meet Mark for the first time, it wasn’t love at first sight. He’s much too young, _far too young_. It’s what everyone says, it’s what I tell him when he reaches to take my hand shyly one afternoon. But time changes things, the more time we spend together, the more it becomes obvious there was a connection, the more time that passes the harder it is to say no. He’s always there, next to me, smiling, flirting, ensuring we blurred professional and personal lines constantly.

I tell myself it will be a fling when it’s apparent that saying no was going to stop. His Timer is blank as well, we’ll kill time together. It’s what I need to tell myself to lean over kiss him one evening taking him completely by surprise. We make promises to each other, we’d keep things light, we won’t get attached, after all we weren’t meant to be, but we could kill time together.

 

For a fling, it doesn’t end. Weeks turn to months, and months turn to years, until we just _are_. It’s so easy, _too easy._ It’s easy to forget, especially when friends and family had also grown so use to us there are no more comments on age and Timers, that Mark wasn’t mine. At least till I get off the phone from my sister and find Mark in the bathroom with a toothbrush hanging from his mouth.

“Are you okay?” He doesn’t look okay, he looks… white.

Mark seems lost for words, and I don’t recall many times when Mark was lost for words. He holds out his hand silently and I blink at the timer rapidly countdown. God, did seconds tick away that quickly? “You went off?” Shakily I reach to touch the numbers; I forgot.

“Yeah…” Mark was giving me a forced smile and I take a deep breath not able to think, process this right now. I’d forgotten, I’d forgotten this was a fling. It’s like a punch in the stomach. I wasn’t prepared, I stopped preparing years ago.

“That’s a good thing,” I finally find the words you’re meant to say before moving to slip out, except Mark is clutching my arm like I was a lifeline.

“Don’t leave,” he whispers, and I look back at his panicked expression and I want to assure him it was going to be okay, that it changes nothing. “Don’t leave me,” he adds as if he doesn’t realise that leaving was so far from my mind at that moment.

I touch his cheek, providing comfort when I couldn’t provide assurance. “I’m going to finish getting ready for bed. One thousand, eight hundred days. We have a little time to discuss what this means.” I try and keep things light but Mark yanks me against him, crushing the air from my lungs and I can’t do anything but hold on to him tighter.

His promises that his Timer won’t dictate his life, his promises that it means nothing, that he wants me more than anyone else… it’s so easy to pretend, just for one moment. And I’m going to pretend, we can pretend for now.

 

We have just over five years, so it’s easy to bury aside the inevitability of what fate has determined. All I know is in that five years is how much I don’t want to let Mark go, and yet I loved him enough to do what was right. It hurt, it hurt so much the thought of not having him, but his blasted Timer always a reminder that this was only temporary. We weren’t _real_.

 

Looking back, I know I should have left the weekend when he finally met his soulmate, maybe it would have made things easier. No matter all the promises we made, I let Mark convince me it wasn’t worth another thought, that he wanted me more than anything else. And I let myself believe him, because I’m selfish.

I let us continue, I let us get married, I let his removed Timer be evidence that this was okay, that this was real. And he was so far away from his other half, the distance between them come 2012 so immense, why did it have to matter? It mattered because here I sat staring at numbers and words that mean nothing, except for the doctor to tell me, “Ann, we can do treatment, we can extend and make you comfortable, but… _it’s inevitable._ ” I can only stare at him, rage filling me with that one word, I detested it, I was sick of hearing it, sick of saying it and now to sit there and hear it again, like this…

I let out shaky breath. “Okay. What do I need to do?” Always practical, tears would be for later, not right in this moment.

It was June 2012, and when I’m back home, I see Mark sitting at the table with his head in his hands, two contracts in front of him. It was exactly how I left him two hours earlier. “Any closer to a decision?” I ask trying my best to ensure my smile was not forced.

“It’s like being forced to choose?” Mark tells me and I let out a short laugh, and walk over to rub his shoulders. “I can stay at home, be comfortable and put up with the hell that comes with the team’s prodigy child or…” Mark grabs his Ferrari contract, “I can go ride wild horses with Fernando which is completely terrifying.”

I go to make myself a cup of coffee, trying hard to pull my head from the doctor’s office and focus on Mark’s current dilemma. “Ferrari would be an adventure,” I tell him simply, “But it’s your decision.” It wasn’t as if we hadn’t been discussing this for the last few weeks.

Mark stands up suddenly. “I’m going to flip a coin,” he declares.

I raise my eyebrows. “You’re going to let fate pick for you?” That has Mark still and his eyes flash with anger, and it had been a long time since I had seen that in regards to fate and destiny. “Mark, pick something that will make you happy.”

“That’s easy. It’s Red Bull and a new teammate,” he tells me bluntly.

I sigh and go back to my coffee. When I go to join him, he’s scooping up his papers. “Decision made?”

“Yep,” Mark nods.

I knew he’d stay with Red Bull, I didn’t need him to confirm. “It doesn’t have to be awful,” I murmur but he shoots me a warning glance so I drop it. Taking a deep breath, “Mark – “ I start and then stop, because maybe telling him now wasn’t a good idea. He stares at me expectantly and I know if I told him now, he wouldn’t sign either contract. I shake my head. “Nothing, it can wait.” I sip my coffee, yes it could wait for now.

 

When you put things off, when you delay conversations that need to happen, they become so much harder to start as time goes on. There only seems to be more reasons to hold off, another race, another function, my sister wasn’t well, Mark needed to see his parents. There was never going to be a _right_ time. Yet, I can’t do it, can’t open my mouth and shatter everything again.

So I wait, till the end of the season and make a silent promise as I watches Mark play with the dogs outside, I was going to tell him. No excuses.

 

“We need to talk.” There was no more hiding, there was going to be more delays, even if it was going to be Christmas next week and it would be so easy to put it off. But no, it was now or literally possibly never.

Mark who was cleaning up the dinner dishes freezes. Yes, no one like to hear those words. “Everything okay?”

I ignore the comment and pat the seat next to me at the dining room table and Mark slowly moves towards it, eyes worried and I want to tell him it’s fine and not to worry but that was a lie. Mark finally sits and I slide my hand across the table to grab his.

“I keep not finding the words to do this, but it’s going to be Christmas and then it’s going to be New Years before we can blink and I really don’t want to start next year without saying anything.”

“Okay,” Mark was trying to read me, trying to pick something up. “As long as you’re not going to tell me your leaving me because I can’t hang up my towels, I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

I can only give him a weak smile before I unavoidably smash him. “Mark, I have cancer.”

 

 

There’s a definite tremble in my fingers as I bring the cigarette to my lips to take a long drag. I can’t stop the shaking. Curled up on a bench seat at my sister’s staring at the rain falling in the darkness. If it wasn’t wet and freezing I’d be outside, but I’ll have to settle for simply being _almost close enough_. It was the story of my life.

“Here,” my sister appears with my wine glass refilled, to the brim.

I manage a smile. “Thanks.”

My sister moves to sit with me, her eyes hold so much pity. I hate it even though at this point I should be used to it. All the pity I’d experienced over the years because I was with a man with a zeroed Timer that didn’t belong to me. Usually I couldn’t stand pity, but for this, for tonight, I was going to pity myself. I was allowed one night of self-indulgence.

“Maybe you shouldn’t be smoking,” my sister murmurs in concern as I lean down to stub out the cigarette I’d finished. It was my third, “You know with everything.”

“I don’t think it’s going to kill me,” I tells her bitterly and it has her flinch.

“It’s getting late,” my sister sips at her wine slowly, it wasn’t meant as a hint that we should go to bed and call it a night. “Mark will call.”

“Yes, he will.” I know that, and I’m dreading it. I’d left the house hours ago. In all our time together we’d never really fought, we’d certainly had disagreements, but they had always, for the most part, managed to do that civilly. Tonight however, was not a _civilised_ _disagreement_. I’d never seen Mark so angry, never seen him so disappointed and furious and hurt and despite everything, he didn’t hold back in yelling at me, in making sure I knew all those things quite loudly.

“Maybe, you should of waited,” my sister sighs. “It’s Christmas next week, what’s one more week?”

What was one more week? I had been telling myself that for over six months.

But every week there was a reason, there would always be a reason.

 “Maybe I got it all wrong,” I murmur, more to myself than anything, head resting on the cool glass. I voice the fear that had been burning in me for most of the year. The news making me question everything, reevaluate my life. I hold out my left arm and my blank Timer hovers between us. I forget about it most of the time, it’s been there so long it was as if it was another freckle or mole.

 “They’re a gift and curse all in one,” she smiles sadly, her gaze drifting back to the past. When for six months she had the one thing everyone craved, true love, only for it to all disappear when he was killed in a car crash. “But I still wouldn’t change it.”

I give her a sad smile. My sister wouldn’t change a thing, it had all been worth it, even if it was only for the briefest of times. It was how I felt with Mark, the reason why I never left. It felt right, so right and even if it was only for the briefest of time, I wouldn’t change it. It was a selfish choice, but mistake seemed such a harsh word, as if it was wrong. It wasn’t was it?

My phone rings and I look over, Mark’s face flashing on the display. It was after midnight, but he was always going to call. It would be so easy to ignore it, hide away, not deal with this and with us.

“Hi,” I answer quietly.

“Annie,” Mark lets out a shuddering sigh of relief. “Please come home.”

“I’m at my sisters,” I tell him. “I’ve been drinking.”

“Okay…” There’s so much weight in his voice in that one word. “Can I come get you?”

“It’s late,” I murmur, and Mark driving this late didn’t seem like a wise decision.

“I’ll come get you,” Mark seems to have made up his mind. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Okay,” I nod, and the silence stretches between us. “I’ll see you soon.” I end the call and toss my phone back on the table before I swallow nearly the entire glass of wine that had only been re-filled.

“I should have left Mark six years ago,” I look up at my sister, the words hurt, cut deep, almost like it was a betrayal to us. “Or I should have left the moment his timer started counting. I should have walked away just like I had always intended.” Mark had made me weak, made me selfish because I didn’t want to let him go, not to Sebastian, not to anyone.  And staying had always seemed okay, able to be justified because Mark wouldn’t let go and because Mark and Sebastian had fallen apart before they had even started. I was never made to test my word, or my promises I’d step aside.

“You don’t mean that Annie, I know you,” my sister chides me. “You always said you’d stay as long as Mark wanted you there. It’s not a mistake, and right now, you need him more than ever. This has nothing to do with your Timer.” My sister leans over and squeezes my arm. “Where’s Mark’s supposed other half? Doesn’t ever seem to be in the picture. You know you are his world, right?”

Yes, I knew that. But my world was starting to break, and what happens then? I just disappear? Mark is with Sebastian? I’m not even sure how they that would even work at this point.

I had watched them this year, Mark and Sebastian. My presence at the circuit, despite always trying to keep my distance from ‘Mark and Sebastian’, from the whole situation, meant I could witness them, measure them. I’d watched them continue to tear into the other. Not physically, no it was comments to the team, setting up sides, making lines and taking public digs at the other. And I couldn’t comment, couldn’t say anything or do anything to have them drop the war between them. Sebastian’s name had become an unspoken rule that it was never to be spoken between me and Mark. It was a dead topic as far as he was concerned.

Mark may have healed but it was like the scars were still fresh. But I could watch, even if it was only their assured mutual self-destruction. How can two people that are destined, be travelling on different paths? Be headed in such opposite directions? When do they meet back up? _Never_. That’s where I’d rested on the whole topic.

I can’t see it, can’t quite work it out. It’s not like I want Mark to leave me, that might actually break me at this point. But fighting fate was futile, you can’t change what was meant to be. It’s why I always had told Mark I’d step aside, why I had even told Sebastian that. And why I would when the time was right, it was why I had to keep watching, to try and understand, to try and predict the unpredictable.

What’s funny, ironic even, is that I’d left myself become far more wrapped up in Mark and Sebastian than either of them seemed to be. Maybe that’s why it had taken me some time to notice. The tiredness. The lack of appetite. All those tiny little things that were changing in my own wold, always so focused on Mark’s.

My sister stands up. “Mark will be here soon, I’m going to head to bed.” She reaches to squeezes my hand and holds it tightly. “Stay tonight, both of you, use the guest room. I’ll unlock the door for Mark.”

“Good night,” I tell her reluctantly letting her go, and then I’m alone, staring outside until there are lights breaking all the darkness. _Mark_.

I drag myself to my feet, heading to the kitchen to wash the wine glasses, keep busy. I look up at the sound of keys touching the bench softly. When I raise my eyes to Mark’s, they’re bloodshot and wet. He looked a mess and that was on me. “I’m sorry,” I can only remain where I was and lost for any other words.

“You should have told me,” Mark’s voice breaks. “You should have let me be there… Annie…” He’s digging his hands into his eyes, silent sobs leaving him and seeing him like this… I much preferred the furious Mark from dinner. This one killed me.

I’m not sure who moved, but suddenly I could reach him, hold him. He clings to me tightly, his face pushed into my neck. “Don’t leave me Annie, please. _Please_.”

And I have no response, nothing that wouldn’t be a lie. And for the first time since knowing, after seven months I let myself break and I cry. We stand in my sister’s kitchen, holding on and crying.

I didn’t want to leave. I never wanted to leave.

 

 

I’m not sure either one of us got much sleep, curled around each other, both awake as the sun rises. Mark only pulls me closer, holds on tighter. “It’s going to be okay Annie. We’re going to beat this. We’ll find the best doctors, I’m going to make this okay again.” There’s so much determination in his voice, unaware that he was making promises he had no control over. And I don’t care, just like our Timers, I’m going to pretend, for right now I was going to believe everything was going to be okay.

 

 

“I’m going to speak to Christian,” Mark says one morning when we’re outside with the dogs. It’s too cold but the dogs need to stretch their legs and Mark seems to think fresh air was important.

“Mark,” I warn knowing exactly where he was headed.

“I think it would be best to just take the year off, spend it at home,” Mark continues ignoring me.

I sigh. If Mark stayed at home twenty-four seven he was going to drive not just himself crazy, but me. “No,” I put my foot down. We were not going to head down a path that meant we were accepting a certain outcome, not just yet. “I feel fine,” I assure him and it’s the truth, besides a little extra tiredness, I did feel well. “You will race, and we will live our lives as normally as possible. I will come to races and nothing will change.”

Mark sucks in his breath. “Everything has changed,” he snaps at me, clearly frustrated and processing the news that was still very much fresh. I’m not sure he has forgiven me yet for not telling him sooner.

“Mark,” I tell him quietly but firmly, “I will not let you retire because of this, not yet. You will race, and nothing changes this year. I will not let you treat me like I’m a piece of china. I am fine, I feel fine and until that changes, we change nothing. Understand?”

He can only stare at me furiously. “We’re still seeing doctors,” he snaps after a moment.

“Fine,” I sigh. “I’m going inside now.” He doesn’t follow me, but I know he will forgive me, eventually.

*

It’s not an easy year. There’s too many doctors, too many appointments, always feeling like you’re on the move, but slowing down… it’s not particularly an option in the world of Formula 1, and admitting to Mark that I needed some time out… I was just as stubborn as he was. Plus, Mark had his own fights, than having to deal with mine. Not that he isn’t there, not that he doesn’t care, but I don’t want this year to be about me.

Mark doesn’t mention our battles to anyone, doesn’t say anything about my diagnosis. In some ways it’s sad how distant he has become from the team, but when I mention discussing it with Christian, Mark gives me a tight smile and says, “Not his business Annie. That’s just ours.” I only give him a sad smile and let him kiss my cheek. Conversation done.

 

There’s also no conversation on his retirement but I’m not surprised when he tells me. “I’m going to announce it at Silverstone,” he tells me one evening.

“Are you sure this is what you want?” I didn’t want him to retire because of me, to be the reason he walked away. I can’t hide my look of worry.

“I’m tired, just as tired as you,” he tells me as he pulls me into a loose hug. “Next year can be about us, and we can take some time out…”

“We’re going to kill each other,” I mutter and that has Mark laugh and kiss me.

“I just want to be with you, even if you do kill me, I won’t mind, I promise,” he murmurs. “But seriously, I have had enough. Rule changes coming up, I’m not sure I want to do it all again…”

“This isn’t about Malaysia? Not running from the inevitable?” I know he doesn’t like to refer to it, but I want to ensure he has no regrets.

Mark grasps my face. “No, this has nothing to do with Sebastian. He can go be happy with his fucking trainer for all I care. This is about me and about us.” His eyes search mine, pleading with me to believe him. I do. “I don’t want to miss a moment of us.”

I squeeze his arms. “I don’t have plans to go anywhere anytime soon,” I promise and I mean it enough to push back the wave of fatigue that had been crushing me most of the afternoon. I lean forward and close my eyes as I kiss him. I would never tire of being swept up in him.

 

 

It takes me a few races to build up the courage to approach Sebastian. I feel like I’m going behind Mark’s back, and I am. I’m crossing that thick line Mark had drawn between him and his teammate. But when you’re on the clock, as slow ticking as it was, it doesn’t change the inevitable and I needed to do something to close the chasm between them.

So, in Singapore I bite the bullet, sitting in a restaurant waiting for Sebastian and when he appears, hoodie drawn over his face like he was afraid of us being seen together. It makes me smile as he sits opposite me. “Having a good day?”

“No,” he mutters as I push the ice around in my drink. “What is so important?”

I stare at Sebastian, god he had aged, that look of innocence and hope when he showed up unexpectedly in the hospital after Mark’s road accident gone. So much time had passed… I sigh and give him a sad smile. “Mark’s retiring,” I comment dancing around the truth.

“Yeah,” his shoulders slump and I wonder if that was disappointment. “I hope you don’t expect me to talk him out of it,” he attempts a smile at his comment.

“Of course not,” I smile back. “Sebastian, I know we don’t talk about it but we all know nothing has changed.” Sebastian glares at me, his fingers grabbing his Timer at the comment and I struck a nerve. “Even Mark knows that, even if I’m not allowed to mention your name.”

“What do you want?” Sebastian’s voice is like ice now.

“Sebastian, I’m dying,” I tell him quietly and there are tears burning in the corner of my eyes. I haven’t admitted that allowed, not to anyone, not even to Mark; not that Mark would let me utter those words.

Sebastian’s face goes slack, the coldness has faded and he looks shocked. “I’m- I’m sorry,” he stumbles over his words.

“Well, not today, not right now. But soon, I’ll be lucky to make it to next Christmas,” I continue, and Sebastian looks truly upset. “Sebastian,” I lean across the table and grab his arm squeezing. “I know you and Mark are very much in the midst of pretending the other doesn’t exist but…”

“This doesn’t change anything,” Sebastian whispers furiously. “If you die, it changes nothing!”

I cock my head at the younger man. “Sebastian,” I chide him like I was chiding a teenage boy, “You are aware it will change everything, even Mark is, well will be.”

Sebastian shakes his head. “No. Mark is leaving F1 and then we will finally be done.”

I laugh at him sitting back and sipping at my drink. Just like Mark, so sure that they were impossible, and on the surface, yes they were. “I wanted to ask you something,” I tell him after a moment, watching as he gets lost in his thoughts, still trying processing the news. He looks over at me waiting. “I want you to promise me, after I’m gone, whenever that is, that you’ll check on Mark.”

Sebastian sucks in his breath. “What?”

“He’ll need someone. To make sure he eats. Make sure he looks after himself. Doesn’t bury himself away. Help him move on.”

“Why are you asking me? I’m not doing that!” Sebastian crosses his arms stubbornly. “I want nothing to do with Mark!”

“Not even as a request by a dying woman?” I ask quietly, and it was low but I don’t care right now.

“Don’t ask me that,” Sebastian pleads. “That’s… cruel.”

“It’s a check in,” I shrug. “I’m not asking you to run off into the sunset with him.”

Sebastian shakes his head at me before he gets to his feet. “Whatever. Fine. It won’t change anything if I do, I won’t let it.”

I give him a sad smile. “I’m not asking for anything else,” I promise.

“I don’t want this, not with him. You can have him, I want…” Sebastian looks so defeated.

He wanted someone he couldn’t have, his trainer. “It’s not easy Sebastian, but it doesn’t mean it’s not love.” I stand up and squeeze his shoulder. “Hold on, for as long as you can. Love is amazing, even if it’s not meant to be.”

“Ann,” he calls after me when I go to turn away. “If you need anything… if I can do _anything_.”

“I only want one thing Sebastian, and I already asked.” With that I turn and walk away, returning to my room with Mark. And he’s there, waiting and slipping into his arms is almost enough to forget.

 

 

To be there in Brazil, to see Mark race in his final race… it’s such an honour and I’m so proud of him, of everything that he has achieved. I tell him that, and I hope he believes me, and understands now it’s only ever about remembering the wins, the achievements and not the losses and the could-of-beens.

He scoops me into a hug after his podium, holding me tightly and overcome with emotion but when he straightens up there’s relief in his eyes and it quells my doubts that he wasn’t ready to walk away.

“It’s been a hell of a ride Annie,” he murmurs kissing me lightly. “Thank you for sharing it with me.”

“Always Mark, I could have never been anywhere else,” I assure him.

There are of course celebrations and after race parties and end of season bashes. Mark goes to all of them, seems to enjoy himself more than he had in the past and this is the Mark I feel in love with, the carefree, spirited Australian who loved life. Not the man that got caught up in the darkness for a moment there, struggled to find his way out, but he did and here he was, here with me. I wanted to treasure every moment.

 

 

“You should try Endurance Racing,” I make the comment so casually as we wait for his parent’s flight to get in for the holidays. This year they were spending it with us, something I’m sure Mark arranged to ensure I didn’t have to exhaust myself unnecessarily for a trip a down under.

“Don’t start Ann,” Mark warns immediately crossing his arms.

“We could discuss it,” I prod further.

“I haven’t even been out of F1 for 2 months…”

“Yes, but there’s a great offer available –“

“No.”

“It’s less races, less intense –“

“No.”

“It’s with Porsche.”

Silence.

“Mark, don’t put everything on hold for me. I can’t bear that, I really can’t. I need you to do what you love –“

Mark’s eyes fix on me hard. “I am. And right now, I am doing you, because that’s what I love.”

“So, we will keep discussing it then,” I tell him lightly ignoring his murderous gaze. He can hate me all he likes, but I know him, and he would be seriously considering a switch if I wasn’t sick. “If you make me the reason you stop racing, stop living… I will never forgive you,” I tell him coldly. With that I turn and leave him waiting alone and head back to the car, ignoring him calling after me. Mark needed to understand whether I’m here or not, sick or healthy, life won’t stop.

 

 

With visitors, it’s not exactly easy to have it out with each other and I can feel Mark was itching to have what was mostly likely going to be a loud conversation about his future. But the only opportunity was at night lying in bed and by the end of the day, I am thoroughly worn out; I can no longer honestly tell people I feel okay. I don’t. I feel sick. I feel _old_.

When Mark’s parents return home in the new year I don’t avoid the inevitable. I walk over to Mark where he was sitting on the lounger, one of the dogs stretched over him before I drop the Porsche contract on his face.

“They’re interested. Read it. Tell me if you want more money and I’ll sort it out. Otherwise sign it.”

There’s a stillness in the room before Mark shoos Shadow from him before sitting up in one movement and thumbing the contract. His face is so calm, it has me bracing for the shitstorm that was about to be unleashed.

Mark’s gaze raises to mine where I stood with my arms crossed. “Why won’t you give up on this?”

“If I gave up whenever I was told no, then I can tell you not only would you not had a successful career but we certainly wouldn’t be here today. No is only a starting point for negotiations,” I say simply.

“And what about what I want?” He won’t look away, eyes fierce.

“You’re going to make a mistake…”

“If it’s a mistake then it’s _my_ mistake. Mine and not yours! I didn’t retire to join another series, I retired to be at home be with you!”

“Really? Because you assured me that was _not_ the reason,” I bite back furiously. Mark looks away then. “Racing is your life and you love Porsche. This makes no sense. _Please_. In twelve months I won’t be here…”

“Don’t you dare fucking say that!” Mark properly shouts, making me jump back. “Don’t dare fucking say that!”

“I’m dying Mark! Stop pretending that isn’t happening. Race! Race so when I’m not here you have something to get you through. You need something. Why can’t you see that?” I want to slap the man. “See the big fucking picture!”

“When you’re not here Annie, there is no fucking picture!” His words hang between us. “When you’re not here…” his voice breaks. “ _I won’t care_.” He breaks then, crumbling like he hadn’t since we first discussed this and I move towards him, holding him tightly.

“Mark, we need to accept things. We need to face the inevitable,” I whisper. “It’s all inevitable.”

There’s a choked sob. “Please don’t use that word. _Please_.”

That one word that was once used to describe Mark and Sebastian and as Mark slips his arms around me, I’m suddenly hit with such clarity about them and about us. And it’s perfect. “Mark, I love you,” I tell him breathlessly. “And everything is going to be okay. Everything is going to be fine.”

 

 

He signs the contract. A few more bitter fights and words spoken, but he signs it. Not happily and maybe to shut me up, but he does and he’ll thank me for that later. The year is a blur more than anything. Time with Mark, time sleeping more and more, far too many appointments, hospital treatments, medication…

It gets to the point that come August I tell Mark no more. “I can’t do it all anymore,” I want him to understand and something breaks in his gaze - maybe he let go of the last thread of hope that I would be okay.

“Okay Annie,” he nods and the smile he tries for barely flickers. “Okay, we can stop now.” He watches as I empty all the medication in the rubbish, bin my doctors appointment reminders and while Mark is crushed, I feel so damn relieved. It’s like this weight has been lifted off me.

 

 

It’s harder now than ever to do simple things. Mark’s race was on TV but I was struggling to follow, the draft of his latest chapter of his book sitting on my lap, mostly unread. I had promised him I would read it, he seems desperate to have it drafted and together before the end of the year. He wants my opinion, wants my input, wants me to read it before it’s too late… Some days I think about closing my eyes and not opening them again, and yet, everyday Mark tells me he’s not ready, not today. But like me, he senses the inevitable.

 

 

Come the last race of the series, I’m not sure who was more relieved the racing was done, me or Mark. There was no way I could travel with him and Mark did nothing to hide his fear I wouldn’t be there when he got back. I had to hold on a bit longer, just a few more weeks so he did his season and didn’t regret racing this year. I made promises to him I wasn’t sure I could keep but when he’s home, he crawls into bed next to him, looking nearly as tired as I always felt.

“Welcome home,” I murmur stroking his hair. He makes a muffled noise in my neck and chuckle. “Have a nap…”

Mark raises his head. “No, sleep can wait,” he tells me and he touches my cheek, face worried. “How do you feel.”

“I’m fine.” It was better than lies and Mark’s mouth is a tight line. I think he knew fine was anything but that.

“Did you read the last of the book?”

“Nearly,” I tell him reaching over from the nightstand next to me. “It’s really good. I have been enjoying it.”

Mark beams at me taking the pages. “Want me to read for you?” He sits up and I lean against him as he picks up where I left off. And listening to his voice, being in his arms… there really wasn’t’ anything else I needed.

 

 

I wake up to a very smiling Mark next to me, holding a neatly wrapped gift. Christmas was next week, and I smile at the present. “What did I deserve to get this early?” I take it, fingers struggling to find the strength to tear open the wrapping.

“Everything and nothing,” Mark smiles lying down next to me and taking the gift to help me unwrap it. Neither one of us comment on how weak I had become in the last few days. Denial was pleasant, made things bearable. Inside was the box was a little diamond heart locket. Mark opens it up to show me a picture of us on one side and the other… My thumb presses against the engraving, a line of zeroes, just like a Timer.

“So you never doubt,” he whispers curling against me. “So you know… no matter what anyone else says… you’re mine Ann. Always mine.”

“It’s beautiful,” I whisper and I look over at him. “I don’t have doubts Mark, not about us. No regrets.”

“No regrets,” he says kissing me softly as I grip the locket.

I was his, completely, undeniably and he was mine, even if it was only for a few more moments. “I was thinking about it all… a lot lately.” I look back at the locket, at us. “About Timers and you and Sebastian.”

“Please I don’t want to talk about –“

“I do,” I tell him staring at him pleadingly and he falls silent. “I am yours Mark. I am, I believe that so completely.” I hold up my blank Timer. “There’s no one else, there was never going to be anyone else…” He reaches my arm, taking it, wrapping it in his hands as he raises it to his lips to kiss it. “And you are mine, for now but soon… one day, you won’t be. You get Sebastian because I won’t be here.”

“Annie, don’t-“ Mark’s voice breaks.

“It’s okay,” I promise closing my eyes. “It’s okay Mark. Don’t see it now? It’s all going to be okay. I am yours…” I murmur. “And while you’re not truly mine, you were, for a bit and it was…”

“Everything,” Mark breathes into my ear. “You are everything Annie.” I smile at that as Mark curls around me. “Sleep,” he whispers. “And when you wake up, we can have some tea…”

He feels further away. “It’s going to be okay Mark,” I repeat voice soft and far away to my own ears. “I love you…”

“Annie?” There’s movement but I can’t open my eyes and I’m drifting. “Annie, not yet okay?”

It no longer mattered what we wanted. In the end it was always inevitable. Us ending was inevitable.

The last thing I hear is, “I love you Annie.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I know that I said that there was only going to be one more part to this series but really wanted to write something just for Mark and Ann. The final part will pick up where this left off when it's finalised.


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